Ok my friends I’m back with more of my sledgehammer knee cap-cracking locks of the week, and since I’m in such a giving mood, I present to you: Vegas says they suck the eggs® blow-out specials. Yes gang there are three games that are so ridiculously overmatched that I won’t be able to take my eyes away from the TV watching these bumbling idiots play their way to a new level of futility. Parity in the NFL my ass; you have the haves and have not’s. With that being said, let me crack open a beer before I crack open this can of worms, the layers of pathetic goodies abound.
The Seahawks -19 over the Jaguars in Seattle Holy Moly! I can’t remember an NFL line this big since…heck I don’t know, that beer’s got my brain numb. Anyways how bad do you have to be to have the Vegas mafia goons set the line this high? There has to be some sort of bench marks that the Jaguars reached to achieve such shamefulness. Let’s see….Uniforms uglier than a baboons flea infested butt – check. A trio of quarterbacks so lacking in the basic fundamentals of X and O’s that they make the three stooges look like geniuses – check. Being so crummy year after year that Lord Ginger Hammer wants to move you across the ocean into the land of hooligans – check. Sell the team to an owner whose qualifications for acquiring an NFL franchise was manufacturing car and truck bumpers – check. I could go on but this factory of sadness is getting me depressed, let’s move on….
The real bet from Vegas should be if the Jaguars can even cross mid field at any point in the game, I’m hedging my bets towards no. Say what you want about the SheHawks and their equally horrible looking uniforms, they are the real deal. I have a feeling Easter Island Head Pete Carroll is on his way to becoming Jim Harbaugh’s daddy, who’s you daddy Jim? Pete that’s who. The SheHawks are close to impossible to beat at home with all the pumped in noise and belligerent drunk fans screaming, I have a feeling Gabbert, Henne or whatever bozo they have under center is going to turn the ball over 30 or 40 times. It’s horrible and insanely must watch television coming to a town near you.
The broncos -15 over the Raiders in Denver I’m going to have to run to the bank and make a withdrawal for this game….no not for a bet but to hire a construction contractor to weld my eye lids shut so my eye-ball won’t burst into flames from watching this garbage. The only reason the Raiders didn’t peg the suck meter like the Jaguars is because they have badass uniforms and sick looking fans but they are close. Not to be outdone by the Jags and Raiders scrapping the bottom of the barrel are my favorite clowns, the Browns. They couldn’t even fathom the possibility that for just once they may not be the worst team in football so they trade away the only real playmaker on the team, brilliant move morons. Oops got a little off subject there, now where were we? Oh yeah, the Raiders are trash….moving along….
Your New Orleans Saints -7 over the Cardinals While Saints fans have sat throwing things at the TV patiently waiting for the offense to quit sputtering and hang a forty burger, the defense has been a pleasant surprise. Rob Ryan’s defense should have another good outing Sunday; Arizona’s offensive line is shaky at best. I’m predicting a multitude of sacks; Akiem Hicks, Cam Jordan, Junior Galette, Martez Wilson, John Jenkins and Co. will slap ole’ Carson Palmer around like a red-headed step child. Say what you want about Palmer, the guy likes to throw the ball downfield. And because of this I’m going to say that Kenny Vacarro will get his first NFL interception.
Even though the Cardinals do have a pretty good defense I think this is the game where the offense puts it all together, so yes that 40 burger will come Sunday. Hopefully Robert Meachem will be more than a decoy this week and get behind the defense for a long ball. The offensive line must show improvement, if they don’t three weeks in I think it will be safe to raise the warning flags. One thing about coach Payton, he will gamble and show no remorse for it, I fully expect him to do something crazy again this week. In week one he went for it on 4th down in Saints territory and in week two he took points off the board to go for it, in both cases it failed. This week it doesn’t, he will do something that makes us scratch our heads but it will be the right call at the right time. So tighten your chin straps folks this roller coaster ride has just taken off, the eggs® prediction: Saints 42 Cardinals 20
Well there it is my friends the eggs® sledgehammer knee cap-cracking locks of the week, so break open your sons or daughters piggy banks and lay it on the line. Feel free to add your score predictions and remember as always WHO DAT !!!