The egg® is back and ready to take your hard-earned money and flush it straight down the toilet, that’s right my ridiculously inept NFL weekly picks are back! This year I won’t be picking all the games like I did last year because, well because I’m lazy but instead I will bring a you a select few that are so horrific that you will be mumbling incoherent curse words at me for days for clicking on this page. Last year my bookie El’ Bruno got himself into a bit of a bind with a Mexican drug cartel and he seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth, good for me because I would still be in hiding. Anyways here goes with my sledgehammer knee cap-cracking locks of the week, continue at your own risk.
The Raiders -5 1/2 over the Jaguars in Oakland Yikes! I would rather have lightning strike me and send 100 million volts through my body rendering me to a smoldering pile of ashes than to watch this garbage. These two perennial bottom feeders are an embarrassment to all sports world-wide let alone football. It doesn’t get any worse than this folks, well maybe it does just a little after watching the Jets – Patriots debacle Thursday night. Speaking of…I bet Gisele is still screaming at the Patriots wide receivers in an ungodly whining high-pitched screeching cat voice.
How bad are the Jaguars? Let’s see, last week they lost at home by 26 points to a team that won a total of two games last year. The offense was shut out and didn’t cross midfield until late in the game and had a grand total of a 107 passing yards. This week the insidious Blain Gabbert is hurt and the equally horrible Chad Henne takes his place. Yes folks the wrath of Shahid Kahn and his creepy mustache have a team that in all probability will go 0-16 this year.
The Raiders aren’t much better but this is probably their best shot all year to come away with a victory. I bet Matt Flynn wishes he was the one traded to Arizona instead of that bum Carson Palmer. Anyways, the over/under is set at 39 ½ so my advice is to empty your 401K accounts and bet it all on the unders, these two clown conventions will be lucky to score a total of 10 points.
The Lions -1 over the Cardinals in Arizona All the so-called legit’s can say what they want but Arizona is a below average football team, all the tumbleweeds and sand dunes in this barren wasteland won’t change my mind on that. In fact I see these bumbling idiots as a five or six win team, who the heck is their starting running back anyways? Rashard Mendenhall “the bum” that’s who. He had his breakout performance last week rushing for an eye-popping 60 yards for a 3.8 yard average, I bet the Lions are shaking in their boots about right now. Once again Arizona’s offensive line is crappy taking up were they left off last year giving up 4 sacks last week, expect more of the same this week with Detroit’s defensive front four.
Yes the LOLions and their roving gang of dirt bag thugs will win the game but in the end it won’t matter because they will fold like a cheap lawn chair before all is said and done. It starts at the top and there is a culture of rottenness reeking from the Lions Camp starting with head coach Jim Schwartz. Looking back at the infamous handshake, I wish Jim Harbaugh would have punched him dead on the lip; this ultra-douche deserves every fine, suspension, arrest and everything else that comes with his culture of dirty play and thuggery that his team brings. That being said, I want Ndamukong-dong Suh to rip Carson Palmers head off and punt it down the field and then kick the offensive lineman in the ass who allowed it.
Your New Orleans Saints -3 over the Bucs in Tampa Well well well what have we here? A let down, a trap game? I think not, the Saints will be ready. I watched Tampa’s game last night and I still have a head ache from the insufferable torture I put myself through, yes it was that bad. All you really have to do is key in on two players, Doug Martin and Vincent Jackson; Michael Jackson Josh Freeman will not win the game for you. Freeman has slowly but surely morphed into Aaron Brooks, the guy has train wreck written all over him. Heck the whole team has train wreck written all over them, it is a perfect irony that a team with a stupid pirate ship on their football field would be in the midst of a mutiny. Greg Schiano is a clueless pr**k and when this team implodes and cost him his job he can go back to coaching a Mid-Major College program to mediocrity and be happy with his Go-Daddy bowl invite, he will deserve every bit of the humiliation.
The Saints on the other hand are rock solid with their leadership from Benson on down, Sean Payton is the difference with this team. I seriously doubt the Saints would have won last week if he wasn’t on the sidelines, when he went for it on 4th down in his own territory he sent a direct message to his defense; I trust you to do your job today and they did. Look for the Saints to put up big numbers Sunday; I’m thinking Kenny Stills has a big game. Defensively, the walking wounded need to pressure Freeman, this guy is a turnover machine when pressured. This game is huge in my opinion because the Saints need to rack up the wins before they enter a horrid stretch in mid November through early December. At the end of the year when the contenders are jockeying for playoff seedings, you can always point to a game here or there that if they would have won they would have the huge advantage of a playoff bye week; this is one of those games. Prediction: Saints win 34-20
Well there it is my friends the eggs® Sledgehammer knee cap-cracking locks of the week, take your child’s future College tuition and throw it away with my grossly wrong NFL picks, it’s the American way. Until next week……WHODAT!!!!