facepalm

Well, the season finally kicks off tonight, and with that I bring you this garbage, my completely worthless power ranking.

1) Seattle Seahawks Top to bottom they have one of the deepest rosters in the NFL; if Easter Island Head Pete Carroll doesn’t screw it up they could go deep into the playoffs. I think their defense is going to be better than San Francisco’s and it will be thoroughly enjoyable watching the NFC west beat the snot out of each other.

2) Denver Broncos I would have put them at the top but the Elvis Dumervil fax screw up and the idiotic offseason of Von Miller kicks them down a notch. But with ole’ bolt neck Peyton Manning and arguably the best receiving core in the NFL, they will overcome any lapses by the defense. If Montee Ball has a breakout rookie campaign this offense will be almost impossible to stop.

3) San Francisco 49rs This may be too high for them; I see them taking a step back this year, not much but just enough to keep them out of the Super bowl. The loss of Michael Crabtree hurts but their defense is good enough to keep them in all of their games. I predict Jim Harbaugh will blow a hemorrhoid out throwing a childish fit on the sidelines over a non reviewable call.

4) New England Patriots The evilness that is Bill Belichick will have the Patriots in the thick of things as always but who will Brady throw the ball to? Reports are that Gronk is on the fast track to returns, probably a week or two away. I think New England’s defense will surprise this year, they are much improved on that side of the ball. I also think that Gisele will throw a tantrum and curse out Danny Amendola for being a china doll after he is hurt in week two.

5) Green Bay Packers It’s been a sneaky quiet offseason for the Packers and I think they are primed for a move. Finally arrogant Aaron Rodgers has someone to hand the ball off to, Eddie Lacy. I think lacy will have a solid year and when the Packers like the Saints find a running game, look out. Even though I don’t really care for Rodgers, he has a special place in my heart for destroying the Falcons at the Georgia dome when they were the #1 seed in the NFC….It was glorious.

6) New Orleans Saints The only reason I don’t have the Saints higher is because it remains to be seen how long it will take for Rob Ryan’s defense to take hold. Some might say I’m a homer for posting the Saints this high with that record-breaking awful defense from a year ago. And to that I say, from 2009 until 2011 the Saints were the best team in football hands down. They went 37 – 11 during that stretch, and you can’t tell me they won’t get right back to kicking ass like they did before Sean Payton was wrongfully removed for a year. Sean has been politically correct in what he has said since coming back but rest assured Saints fans, he is pissed and highly motivated to shove it right in Goodell’s face as he hoist another Lombardi.

7) Houston Texans I think the fate of Houston rest squarely on Arian Foster’s health. Schaub is an average quarterback with a few good weapons around him. The Texans will also rely on a really stout defense that will allow Schaub to not try to do that much, hand it to Arian, occasionally take shots downfield and play good defense.

8) Cincinnati Bengals The Bengals have given Andy Dalton some more weapons to go with A.J. Green. Two nice pickups in this year’s draft, TE Tyler Eifert and RB Giovani Bernard will pay huge dividends with this offense moving forward.

9) Baltimore Ravens It’s kind of crazy to have the defending Super Bowl champions this low but with their offseason roster turnover it’s a little early to predict how things will shake out in Baltimore. I will say this, John Harbaugh is a hell of a coach and for that alone they could be lurking come playoff time.

10) Washington Redskins I sure hope the Skins re-turfed that painted dirt box they call a field because RG3 knee might not stand the test. But if Griffin is a 100% and stays healthy they will compete for a playoff spot. One of the most underrated running backs is Alfred Morris, which makes Griffin and the read option that more dangerous.

11) Indianapolis Colts A lot of hype followed Andrew luck last year in the lead up to the draft, he didn’t disappoint. This team will revolve around him and rightfully so, he’s that good. Reggie Wayne will be his usual steady self but I also see T.Y. Hilton stepping up and having a break out year. The Colts could be scary good this year or go into a sophomore slump, time will tell.

12) Atlanta Falcons The Falcons have all the pressure sitting squarely on Matt Ryan and Mike Smith’s shoulders. And if the past is any indication they will cave and choke when the weight of the pressure is too much to bear. The Saints will beat the Falcons on September 8th but if the Saints blow them out you could see the beginning of an implosion. With the Falcons problems on the offensive line and a young unproven secondary they may not make the playoffs at all.

13) New York Giants For some reason you can never count the Giants out. They will move the ball with Eli Manning, Victor Cruz, Hakeem Nicks and David Wilson. The only question is can they stop anybody with their poor secondary.

14) Chicago Bears Can Jay Cutler mope his way into the playoffs? Maybe but this team goes as far as Matt Forte’s health. When Forte is 100% he is an elite back and game changer, the only problem he always seems to be dinged up. Cutler in my opinion has peaked, what you see is what you get, when given time in the pocket he can be pretty good but put some pressure on him he regresses pretty badly.

15) Pittsburg Steelers Another team that is floating under the radar, if they can fix their running back issues they might contend. Say what you want about the pervert Big Ben, he is a top ten quarterback, Couple that with Dick Lebeau’s defense and with a few breaks here and there they could surprise some people.

16) Dallas Cowboys I struggled with this one because of one person: Jerrah. Contrary to popular belief the Cowboys do have some good talent on their team but inevitably Lord Jones will stick his crypt keeper nose where it doesn’t belong and screw it up. One of the Cowboys biggest offseason moves was to bring in 92-year-old Monte Kiffen as the defensive coordinator. On his first day on the job he got lost going to the facility, last spotted driving slow in the left lane with his blinker stuck on.

17) St. Louis Rams The Rams front seven is no joke, they can bring the pressure. They better be good because the Rams will have trouble scoring points. Jeff Fisher is a good coach no doubt but the loss of Danny Amendola and Steven Jackson may prove too much to overcome, they will struggle to keep up with high scoring teams.

18) Detroit Lions Reggie! Reggie! Reggie! Yes folks the brittle side to side runner is back. Seriously though this really was a nice pick up for the LOLions, his presence on the field alone will pay huge dividends for Megatron. Too bad their secondary sucks and Mathew Stafford has the toughness of a bowl of Jello, they will be improved from last year but not much.

19) Minnesota Vikings Yes they made the playoffs last year and yes Adrian Peterson is a freak of nature but make no mistake Christian Ponder will screw it up. Seriously can anyone truly say that the Vikings are contenders, didn’t think so. Let the river of tears flow in this snowy destitute….like it has for decades, crybabies.

20) Kansas City Chiefs Well well well what have we here? Alex Smith that’s what. Yes folks the king of the seven yard pass is back. After being thoroughly screwed over by Jim Harbaugh, Ole first round bust lands in KC only for the Chiefs to quickly overspend on an unproven back-up, nice vote of confidence right there. Speaking of confidence, Andy Reid is confident he will sample each and every BBQ joint in Kansas City. I said it once and I’ll say it again, Andy Reid will show up unwittingly at a press conference sporting a BBQ sauce clown mouth. And this I am 100% sure of.

21) Philadelphia Eagles This team should be boat loads of fun to watch, well at least until the defense takes the field. I’m interested to see how Chip Kelly’s innovative college offensive scheme will work in the NFL, I’m not saying it won’t work, heck the pistol and the read option came from college. I just think his whole scheme will rest on Michael Vick and he’s broken up now, I don’t see him staying healthy a whole season. Will the Eagles make a push for the playoffs? Probably not but it will be a joy to watch none the less.

22) Carolina Panthers Yep another 7-9 season is staring the Icon and entertainer Cam Newton in the face. No doubt the Panthers defensive line will wreak havoc but other than that what do they have? An aging WR with an attitude? The real weakness on this team is their defensive backfield; they better hope the front seven get pressure because they are primed for the pickings. I have a feeling if the Panthers tank early, Ron Rivera will get canned before the season is finished.

23) Miami Dolphins Is there more of a franchise that absolutely no one cares about including their own fans? Did you see the last playoff game against the Saints? The stadium was empty; I understand it was the last pre-season but to be completely empty to start any NFL game is a joke. Problem is, the fish will turn out to be a joke and that is something that their pathetic fans deserve.

24) Cleveland Browns Finally!! My sleeper, that’s right folks the almighty Cleveland Brown are set to shock the world. I can’t even tell you who their coach is or name any wide receiver on the team but it does matter because they are the Browns dammit. Their factory of sadness days are over I tell you, Brandon “The Weenie Man” Weeden and his 58 years of wisdom will rain doom down on all opponents that come their way. Let it be written, let it be done, it is destiny.

25) Tampa Bay Buccaneers Alright it’s 2013 and a fresh start, so somebody please tell me Tampa Bay has gotten rid of that ridiculous idiotic pirate ship, morons. The Bucs have a revamped secondary with Revis island leading the way and to that I say so what, whoopee…too bad the rest of the team resembles a clown convention on Quaaludes. This team is so horrible that the most evil club in the league, the Patriots disinfected their entire locker room after the Bucs spent time there. Look for the Bucs to once again bring up the rear of the NFC South which is fitting for a team chocked full of ass clowns.

26) Arizona Cardinals There is a new sheriff in town blowing around with the tumbleweeds in this forsaken desert wasteland and his name is Carson. Hold on….hold on….just a sec….Whew! Ouch that hurt, I just fell out of my chair laughing. This clown was washed up back in the 80’s when he still played for the Bengals, who in their right mind thinks he can turn things around in the Sahara Desert? Not me that’s who.

27) Tennessee Titans The Rat is back. Since the Titans refuse to explain what job position they gave Greg Williams, he will simply be referred to as the Rat. Have any of you guys seen pictures of him lately? Yikes, he looks like a mid-life crisis on steroids with some sprinklings of hipster on the top. Sheesh, won’t matter though the Rat can’t fix that mess in Tennessee. If and that’s a big if, Chris Johnson doesn’t have a monster year they are looking squarely at a top five pick in next year’s draft.

28) San Diego Chargers Whelp the Saints farm team did it again but this time they helped us out with Drew Brees’ Contract. Say what? Yes, the Saints couldn’t afford Drew with all the big contracts looming. Remember we had Colston that needed to be paid also (who gave a hometown discount to stay) so the Chargers took Robert Meachem off the Saints hands, paid him handsomely for one year and then gift wrapped him, shoved him in a FedEx box, shipped him back to New Orleans and even paid for the shipping. I have to tell you, I love those super geniuses running the Chargers ship….into the ground.

29) Jacksonville Jaguars To be honest, these last four teams suck so bad that the order doesn’t really matter. I can’t name one legit game changer on the Jaguars roster and don’t say Maurice Jones-Drew, he’s a very good back but he is coming off a major foot injury so the jury’s still out on him. Really the only thing Jacksonville has going for them is the hope that one day their home will be in England. Not much to hope for is it?

30) Buffalo Bills Forget about E.J. Manual, he may be decent one day (probably not) but definitely not this year. The only good player on the Bills roster is C.J. Spiller, has any player ever been hyped so much? Sorry Bills fans, he’s not all that. I mean everybody is talking like he is the second coming of Walter Payton, I know things are bleak in Buffalo but damn. He’s a good back but to be honest, who can blame the Bills fans? Spiller is all they got.

31) New York Jets I love me some Jets! Really I do, you cannot make up the garbage that flows from that freak show in New York. I swear Rex Ryan is on the verge of a severe meltdown and I for one cannot wait. This is must watch TV my friends, Rex said the other day that he named Geno Smith his starter because he hasn’t thrown an interception in eight practices. No kidding, that’s his basis for starting him, never mind all the picks he’s thrown in pre-season games. Poor Marl Sanchez (and his girly headband) he was butt hurt when they brought in Tebow and now this, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This is just the beginning folks, the fun joy ride have just begun; I just hope Rex doesn’t get fired before his meltdown.

32) Oakland Raiders Poor Dennis Allen little did he know when he took over the Raiders last year that Oakland was kicking the salary cap can down the road for years, well it’s time to pay the piper. The Raiders roster top to bottom is the worst in the NFL due to horrible cap management. It will take Allen years to right the ship but will they give him the time to do it? Probably not. Not to be out done is poor Matt Flynn, he got beat out at QB not once but twice in two years. It may be time to realize that he is nothing more than an overpaid clip board holder, don’t feel bad for him though, he’s laughing all the way to the bank. You know who else is laughing? Every team in their meetings as they prepare for these hapless losers.

Well that’s my first installment of a totally worthless power ranking. If I look further into my crystal ball, I do believe I can see the Falcons creeping ever so closer to the infamous bottom four. Let it be written, let it be done WHODAT!!!!!