Seeing as all NFL teams get to warm up before the season starts, I have decided to bring back my “you can’t pick your nose picks” and warm up too. I know what you’re thinking; you have got to be kidding me right? Hell no I’m absolutely not kidding. Right now everyone is thinking how great their team is and it’s Super bowl or bust time, but in reality all of our team’s suck right now including the Saints. Don’t believe me Saints fans? Boy that Jason Smith was really awesome playing right tackle in the 4th quarter huh? So with so many crappy teams price gouging you for nine dollar beers and a hundred and fifty dollar tickets, I might as well give you a heads up on the most horrific disgustingly unwatchable but can’t turn your head away games of the week. I know I’m not doing point spreads yet and it’s not because half of the guys on the roster won’t be there on opening day but, to be quite frank, I’m too damn lazy to look them up.
The Lions over the Browns Good God! What way to kick things off, this is pure garbage. Who the hell is even quarterbacking the Browns these days? Is it still that 62-year-old Weenie dude? Well I’m sure they drafted some weapons to help out the old goat right? Say what? They draft another pass rush bust out of LSU with a name that’s too stupid to even try to pronounce, way to go Clowns, way to go. In fact this dismal excuse for a franchise didn’t draft any weapons, God I love the Browns…thank you Cleveland and your factory of misery. At least the LOLions brought in some help on the offensive side, the one and only Reggie Bust Bush. Yep folks we all love us some Reggie and his fabulous lateral movement. Yesiree the Lions have got themselves an aging, often injured, sideline running back that’s good for six games a year. Boy oh boy, I bet Megatron did some back flips when he heard about their new savior that will take them to the promise land. Heck I bet he slapped around ole candy ass, lip stick wearing Matthew Stafford because he was so over come with joy. Anyways the LOLions win this one 16 to 6 in a field goal fest of boredom.
The Jaguars at the Jets end in a tie Just when you thought the geniuses over at NFL scheduling couldn’t get anymore low down, they drop this gem on my lap. Hit me in the crotch with a ball pen hammer and rip my eye lids off before I subject myself to watch this house of horrors, I mean really, Goodell are you that much of a sadist? OK first off, I have got to get this off my chest; Mark Sanchez, you look like a complete uber douche derelict with that girl’s head band thing you are wearing. I would suggest that you take it off but every time I see you, it reminds me of just how much I hate you. As for Geno Smith? Well he just flat-out sucks, I mean really, he does. To be honest, I really hope the Jets do well this year; I really do because I want one more year of this hilarity. Speaking of funny stuff, how about them Jaguars stepping up and drafting a quarterback. They didn’t? Oops I must have mistaken them for the Browns, oh wait….never mind. Whelp it looks like the Gabbert/Henne show for one more year, hold on….. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Whew! I almost blew a hemorrhoid I was laughing so hard. This team is so bad; they would have lost to the Saints 45-0 during the worst of the Mike Ditka years. Jaguar fans I feel sorry for you, who am I kidding? Of course I don’t but the point being, just stare at Sanchez and realize that things could be much worse. Oh yeah I almost forgot, this game ends in a 0-0 tie in which they mercifully stop the game in the 3rd quarter due to the fans unthinkable pain and suffering.
The Cardinals over the Cowboys Aaaaaaand the Cowboys 2013 campaign for mediocrity starts…NOW. Yep folks it that time of year again, the time of year every ten gallon hat wearing, s**t kicking raw hide Texan hopes that Jerrah and Romo can get to 8-8 and sneak into the playoffs only to blow the game. And that’s being overly optimistic on their part, the truth is they will be the door mat to RGthree Eli(te) and whoever is quarter backing the sorry ass eagles. It not that the Cowgirls aren’t trying, heck they addressed a glaring need in the draft by taking a sixth round talent O-lineman in the first round, boy that GM Jerrah Jones is some super genius. Speaking of horrible offensive lines, newly acquired QB Carson Palmer of the Cardinals is going to get killed this year. No really, he is going to be the first NFL player to be laid to rest on a field of play. How much must the Raiders suck that Palmer would rather commit suicide than play for that disenfranchised franchise? Anyways I’m picking the Cardinals because, heck I don’t know why and to be honest who really cares. Both of these team could dry up and go blow around in the desert like a tumble weed for all I care, and the truth is I don’t know why I’m even bothering to pick a winner from these two sorry excuses for a professional football teams……NEXT
All of which brings me to my last pick, your New Orleans Saints.
The Saints over the Raiders Let’s be honest here, Ryan Griffin by himself can beat the hapless Raiders. I firmly believe that the old crazy loon Al Davis is running this franchise from the other side. I mean how else can you explain the insanely horrible decisions that have been made since his passing; heck T.H. Harris Jr High has more talent on their roster of neighbor hood kids than these bums. Matt Flynn will morph into the new Kevin Kolb, bank on it. Can anyone tell me what this guy has done in the NFL? And don’t say Green Bay. I mean don’t say Green Bay because I can’t stand the Packers. Anyways off the top of your head (no peeking) who is he going to throw the ball to? A bum that’s who. Akiem Hicks is going to tear his head off Friday night and you will all cheer with immense enjoyment, I know I will. Oh you got to love our boys in the Black and Gold right? Not so fast, they are not off the hook by any means and it starts at the top. Old Tom Benson, what is it with his royal highness doing laps around the practice field in his pope mobile waving to the common folk? Stop it Tom, do something useful like put some damn shade up. I can imagine what’s going through his mind as he “mingles” with the fans, ooh a beer..cha-ching, ooh a new jersey…cha-ching, oh lookie there, a family of four with drinks and food…cha-ching. Ok I’m nit picking here but do us all a favor Tom and stay on your balcony and look down on us pheasants like a real king would do, we don’t mind….as long as your team wins.
Well there you go the eggs warm up preseason foolishness. I only have a few more weeks to get it right before the real bullets fly so bear with me, because Lord knows I have no clue. So with that, I’ll see you next week after the beat down of the toothless Raiders….WHO DAT!!!!